3.7.25 - Fear of the Unknown, Mockery and Self-Depreciation

Starting a company, blog, YouTube video or any  thing that puts you out in the open is terrifying. I have been attempting to create YouTube videos or TikTok or whatever it may be for years now. 

I have always started and slowly but surely my efforts always paid off. Whether its writing poetry in Instagram or doing mundane videos in YouTube, the effort always showed growth. Yet, even with seeing the growth something always eventually stopped me. 

Vulnerability. I was afraid to be vulnerable. I was afraid to be seen, to be heard, because then what if someone takes me seriously? What if people depend on me? What if people hate me? What if people mock me or worse what if they told my mom? So many issues to unpack and not enough space to do so.

I was and still am very self-depreciating. One bad comment from someone close to me and I immediately pack it up and never look back.  I'll stop that project and pass it on as a "hobby" or a fly by night situation that I was never "serious" about. Yet I was serious, because I kept trying year over year I kept trying. Restarting, seeing the growth again and the paralyzing fear coming up again. 

How narcissistic it is to fear success but I did fear it. I feared what it would do to me and how it would affect me. I feared it for so many reasons. 

I realized that I was just afraid of everything. I would find any excuse not to continue what I really wanted to do. To be my own person. To stand on my own convictions. To not care if I was heard or not. There was so many things I want to be that I get paralyzed by that.

Again. Too many things to unpack and not enough space to do so.

Then she came along. AMZ. She pushes me. She lets me know its okay. She tells me I can do it. She lets me know she will ground me. Wont let my ego over take me. She tells me my ideas are good. She tells me they're bad. She's there to be everything I fear and aspire to be. A confident soul who knows what creativity is. What true creativity is. She believes in herself and doesn't need any one else to believe in her. She has conviction that I could only dream of. 

Like clock work, I am back to trying to be what I want to be. The difference this time around? I have her. I have her to push me. To ensure that I stick with my convictions. To  ensure that I let fear pass through me. To ensure that I rely on my own and stand on my own two feet. To become who I want to become.

She has shown me that I can change. That I can be who I want to be regardless of the noise. 

Find yourself  someone who does this for you. And just to be clear, this someone can be yourself for you. It doesn't have to be someone else. It just happened to be her for me.

                                                                                                               Love FRZ.